Happy and Honest

Lately I have had a lot of moments which have made me ponder about this topic.
First, CITIZEN KANE.
It’s a classic they say. One of the best movies made they say. So one of the blessed souls was kind enough to write it on a DVD. It was an experience though. I had never watched English classics. The dramatics in English classics actually prevent me from watching them. The technology in the classics is not something of my taste. But Citizen Kane was different. Inspite of the dramatics it touched a chord. At least in the climax scene. Again it was because, it talked of a lost innocence and honesty, all condensed into a single word, Rosebud.

Second, The Death of Ivan Ilyich
Again a first. First time I read a Tolstoy book. Primarily the book is about how a person reacts when he comes face to face with death. But was it all about it? There are moments before the protagonists’ death when he tries to remember his happiest moments. What he can remember is his childhood. There are no moments in his adult life that he chooses to remember.

So what is Happiness or Honesty?
One of my teachers used to say that the scores you get when you do not cheat make you the happiest. Because the success achieved any other way has a knowledge of dishonesty. I choose to extrapolate it to whole life.

I look back at my life and say that the most innocent and honest moments of my life have been the happiest. But honest I don’t mean the moments when you give it straight to anybody begging to differ from your way of thought, just to prove yourself right.
These bouts of outspokenness I feel have some amount of self pity involved in them. This self pity bars rational thinking and the intention is usually to redeem your opinion in front of the listener.

We usually count our moments of childhood as the most honest ones. One because we do good deeds, not knowing the consequences. We do bad deeds again not knowing the consequences.
Actually the consequences are trivial. For all we care, these deeds make us happy. The journey of the deed is enjoyed.

And somewhere I feel that as we grow, we change ends. The so called consequences, which actually are mediums of happiness loom larger than the end, that is happiness.

You do not laugh out loud, the other person might be jealous. You do show that you enjoy your work, you might be provided with more. You do not dance with happiness, others might laugh at you.

I mention these things because I feel sad for Ivan Ilyich . At the moments of his death he can remember his few moments of happiness is his childhood. What a sad feeling it must be to realize at the time of your death that whole of your adult life has been rendered waste and unhappy, just because you did not know yourself and things that make you happy.
And more so the realization that you cannot do anything about it.

End of the story is simply to look at your self. Re evaluate your successes. Feel happy about them, because you have given them your blood and sweat or those two moments of brilliance that your mind is capable of.
Human life is a 70 year tale with you as a hero. The hero never fails to be happy in most of the stories.