MARRIAGE ALBUMS: ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST

Marriages are made in heaven. Well, God bless them. It is the marriage albums I am worried about. Well what’s wrong about them? It’s just that people are so enthusiastic about showing it to you, that’s what is wrong about them.

It all goes back to two years ago. One Saturday morning, me, an erstwhile enthusiastic software engineer came to the office to finish some chores . One of my respected friends had just come back from home from his sisters wedding and brought along 2 GB of Marriage photos in PICASA. I hate coming on Saturdays. The reason is that I have a group of malicious people around me who have a nerve to call me their friend just to call me on a every two hours on Saturday and ask “ Tu Saturday ko office me kya kar raha hai? “.

In such a situation, Imagine having to stay in office on Saturday and imagine spending two hours of them with someone showing you photos of people you never met and possibly are never going to meet. Imagine looking at those overenthusiastic aunties coming decked up for that one of those few events of their life, Imagine looking at those disinterested uncles wearing the shirts that probably the aunties thought would look good on them. But still you watch. You look at them, feign interest, bring out the best smile you can muster, ask stupid questions. Thus I spent my two hours in office. I couldn’t work after that. There was too much color in my eyes. My Black Screen, Green Font job does not offer me such luxury. From that day, Marriage albums are a thing to fear for me. I cringe at the sight of them, the month of May makes me shudder.

I am actually curious. Why do people show their marriage albums? Now, I can understand showing it to near and dear ones who feature in most of the photos and would obviously be interested. But why show it to somebody who was not even there? On that Saturday, I wanted one of my friends to be there. We would have seen those photos; we would have given some names and would have laughed. Call us sarcastic. Sarcasm is the sign of losers says the fifth step out of the nine steps of an unpublished book for success in a very popular movie. So be it. Call us Losers. But that is the best use of the marriage album that I can think about. One other use is to see if there was any beauty around in the photos. Now, there is another exercise in futility, looking for beautiful chicks that you are not going to meet. But it is the case of choosing lesser of two evils.

One of my friends who got married recently told me that the most dangerous part of a marriage is the reception. People come to you and say PEHCHANA….
All smile. Oh those Smiles….!!!

Now I have observed some patterns in those smiles. Please see below:

Bride’s Smile: The smile you see on the face of a doctor who has been just sold a Bone Density Scanner by a smartass Salesman only to realize that the only use he can put it to is to organize free Bone Density Scanning Camps.

Groom’s Smile: Imagine the smile of a person who is dancing bhangra to a Trance Number in a disco, at the same time asking his friend, “Hindi Kab Chalaega”…

Auntie’s Smile: The smile on your face when you win a college Personality Contest out of six people, three of whom were forced to be “Personalities” just because there were only “Persons” in their branch, One was nursing last night’s hangover and the last was too bored to be there.

Uncle who is accompanying the Aunties’ Smile: The smile you give to the trial room attendant in a swanky retail mall when you have tried seven shirts and all of them have been disapproved by your female company, who at the same time laments you for having no sense of “ style”.

Anyways the Conversation goes as:

Pehchana, tum itne se the jab tumhe aakhri baar dekha tha….(they raise their hands and give your size at the time they last met you. )

You say… Haan .. Haan.. aunty.. yaad aaya… HA HA HA… And again you smile. They smile.

The bad part is that such an encounter would be captured by your photographer whose job description has it. The worst part is you show this photo to somebody else who is supposed to be entertained looking at somebody whom even you do not remember, because you were “itne se” when you last met them.

Now marriage albums interest ladies a bit.(BRICKBATS,SANDALS ALERT***)
Some typical reactionsà Oooh, Look at the embroidery on the saree of the the grooms mother’s third cousin Twice Separated….. Oh its Soooooo Pretttttttttttyyyyy……

For a mortal like me who is considered a fashion disaster, even this is not a resort.

Now If I Imagine showing a photo of my marriage(if and when that happens) to a close friend of mine. He would look at me, look at the photo and say

“Dude, what are you wearing?”

“It is a Sherwani, not chosen by me.”

“Dude, You are looking like a….”

“Ok. Shut Up.”

I would close the album.
Simple and Effective! The problem is, I am twenty five and am expected to have some social responsibilities. Hence I endure.

Now, since you have been patient and have had enough spite in you to read this stupid outburst till now, here is something for you. Some methods, I have identified, through which you can actually get entertained watching a marriage album:

Be observant. Look for interesting things. Look for that little boy standing in the corner, picking his nose, wearing a dress which his mother thought would look good on him.
Look for those bums who come for free food. Oh yeah, sometimes they get captured too. Look for them , in those baaraat photos. You may be able to spot one. Count them. Tell it to the person showing you the album. Make him feel bad about the money that were shelled out for the food that they ate.

Irritate the person who is showing you the album. Ask about each overdressed, over made up aunty. Ask about every uninteresting uncle. If he is smart, he will understand and wrap up the show earlier(Chances are less, given the fact that he decided to show you the album in the first place).

In a recent encounter, I went a friend’s place who had just got married. He had invited me and some other friends for dinner. Knowing what was coming, I played one extra game of badminton and then went. As soon as I knocked and he opened the door, he says you are late, you missed the marriage album. Exhilaration, Relief and Emotion flooded me.

Brand me Antisocial. Call me an antagonist. But, there are some things money can’t buy; one of them is missing watching a marriage album.

May is just four months away. I am getting invitations. Hence, I am issuing a public interest message. The public is just me here, who is among the 3-4 percent who pays taxes in this country. Forward this to everybody , especially before May 20th.It is the Abhi-Ash Wedding Anniversary. 20000 got married in Delhi last year ,on this day. May be more this year. God bless them. It is the marriage albums I am worried about.